Photo Feels…

I struggle when it comes to sharing my dark side, but I’ve learned in my life that the things I struggle with are often (1) more universal than I think, and (2) easier to bear and work through when I lay it all out there. So here’s what I’ve been processing for the last few days…

I took this picture last Friday morning. I was awake waaay too early, had the house to myself, and was feeling amazing about my body. So I put on one of my favorite tanks and the Dona Jo FitWear leggings I splurged on (on sale) at the last race expo and took this pic (okay, I took several, but this was the best, and I only filtered for contrast purposes–no edits, Scouts honor).  I was immediately of two minds about it.

The nag at the back of my head, the disordered voice, the critic, the one who sees my eyes and recognizes it’s me and immediately attacks with things I wouldn’t say (or really even think) about another human being: UGH! Your thighs are SO BIG! Your ass is HUGE! You’re still FAT! No matter what you do you will always be FAT.

But I know by now that is the disorder talking.  I know it is NOT actually TRUE. So I take a step back and my rational side takes over. I treat it as though it’s a random chick on Instagram, and the words that come to mind are completely different: FIT. SOLID. STRONG. ATHLETIC. That is CLEARLY a body she has worked for–it may be a work in progress (maybe, maybe not), but those curves did not happen by accident. WORK was involved.

And then I remind myself that it IS me. I AM that woman. I have worked for and earned that body, and it is serving me well. It has been and is well worth every bit of dietary discipline and drop of sweat. Class after class. Run after run. Miles upon miles. Race after race. Broken PR after broken PR. THAT IS MY BODY. And I am proud of it. I am stronger and fitter than I was when I was 20 pounds lighter. My legs and glutes are better developed and it shows in my running–I’m exceeding my own expectations, to the point I don’t even know where to set the bar anymore, I just know I want to see what I’m capable of.

That said, I’m not quite where I want to be physically. There is some science behind the theory of ‘Racing Weight‘ and I’m still trying to find mine. That’s part of seeing what I’m capable of. And I’m a red-blooded American woman so of course I want to look good. But the end goal has shifted. The numbers attached are very loose in my mind at this point, more guidelines than hard and fast. I still have an idea of where my ‘racing weight’ is, but if I feel good about what I look like and I’m performing well, scale be damned. And I have an idea where I want to be in clothing sizes, but again, if I’m solid and fit and that size just doesn’t work anymore–clothing sizes be damned. Much like my running–I don’t know where to set the bar anymore, and I’m not sure that it matters. I just want to see what is possible.

For the moment I’m focused on breaking my PR in my next race in a few weeks, and from there working on setting a first round of goals for next year, figuring out what races I want to do, and setting up a training plan. Relentless forward motion.