I’ve been having a rough few weeks. I’ve really struggled with myself and the process. Not seeing the progress I was wanting or expecting, and just struggling with myself. I was stuck in an old pattern of feeling inadequate, and believing I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t doing enough. I had a few awesome workouts. I didn’t work out much, but it was definitely a quality over quantity week. I only ran twice, but damn I ran hard, and my class on Tuesday was the strongest I’d felt in a long time. But still, come Friday night I was in a dark place with myself, I couldn’t seem to get out of my own shadow. I was stuck in my head and spinning my wheels. But I made a decision, that regardless how I felt, I was going to go shopping on Saturday and get a few new clothing items. It was time for some transitional pieces, and despite the little nag in the back of my head saying I didn’t ‘deserve’ them yet, I also could recognize that I feel best in my running clothes because they fit me better than anything else I have right now. So I went to Target. And I got a couple new pairs of jeans, a new dress, and a new pair of heels (and other stuff, because it’s Target, but whatever). I’d wanted more work clothes, but I wasn’t happy with my options at Target–dresses that didn’t appeal to me, and dress pants that didn’t fit quite right (I’m good in jeans, but frustratingly between sizes in dress pants, gah!). So I might need to hit up a Kohls or something soon. I know I should go thrifting, especially for my transitional pieces, but I do not have the patience for it. I just don’t. I have to be in the right mood for Gabe’s, Marhsall’s and TJ Maxx–actual thrift stores are more frustrating for me than those places. But I digress–I tried things on and was non-judgemental about them. If it didn’t fit quite right I passed. I tried on quite a bit, but I didn’t buy much. I didn’t settle. If I was iffy on it then it wasn’t worth it. And I feel like a rockstar in the things I got. I immediately came home and put on new jeans and heels. I have not felt that good about myself in months.
But there was still a hurdle to overcome. My running was stuck. I haven’t been able to progress my intervals. I ran my heart out on Wednesday, the day after a tough kettlebell workout, but it was short interval work. I’ve been running again for about 3 months at this point. I’m in fairly decent shape, I should be able to run longer intervals than I have been, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I’d try, but I would always back off or talk myself out of it. I couldn’t tell you when the last time I ran a mile straight through was, even thought I knew–KNEW–I was in good enough shape to do at least that much. It was insanely frustrating to me, because also knew that if I could just get past that I would be fine. I just needed to prove to myself that I can do this. So we had a 5k race on Sunday morning, and my only goal going in was to beat my time from last month’s 5k race. I went in with no other expectations, but in my heart I had a feeling that it was the day I’d clear the mental hurdle. So I gave it all I had. I crushed my goal by shaving nearly 2:30 from my previous 5k time, and I came close to my PR (just about :30 off). But even better–I ran the whole first mile–at a 10:37 pace. At my fittest point 3 years ago I could do a mile in the 9s (when I was only going out for a mile). After yesterday, I’m good now. I got this, I know I got this. I know I can not only reach my goals but crush them. Still have 2 weeks left for September Beast Mode and I intend to finish strong. I really feel like I got my groove back.
Ever forward. Happy Monday…