Tag: friday feelings

Talking it out…

In last Friday’s post I vaguely alluded to changes taking place in my life. I’m still not ready to share too much, maybe I’ll never share the details, though I suspect that I’ll open up more as I progress through this particular journey. The truth is that I’ve decided to go back to counseling to tackle some long (long) held issues. I haven’t been in years. And in the past when I’ve gone I’ve been very good at dancing around the actual issues so I wouldn’t have to *deal* with anything. It’s to the point I can no longer handle the dissonance in my own brain and I need to figure it out and work through it instead of around it.

It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, making that first phone call and admitting my truth. My first appointment was this past Monday (which is what prompted last Friday’s post) and I felt like I was talking a mile a minute during the intake “interview” trying to lay it all out there before I lost my nerve. I’ve been keeping a running list of things to talk about in future appointments so I won’t get sidetracked by non-issues. I want to do the work, even though it terrifies me.

My next appointment isn’t for another week, she’s out of the office this week. I’m getting antsy for it. In starting to deal with it, I’m realizing just how pervasive it is in my life, how many different facets are affected by it. It’s kind of amazing what happens when you stop running from something and start facing it. I’m terrified, but excited to see what’s on the other side of this.

Sorry I’m still being kind of vague, but eventually I will open up more. It’s still new and raw and I’m not sure what to do with it. Please know that I’m basically fine though. No need for concern, though prayers and good vibes are always appreciated.

Have a great weekend, friends. More soon…

Change is in the air…

There’s something about spring. About the sense of renewal and the fresh start. Not quite as refreshing as the turn of the calendar, but a time for new things nonetheless (just like fall and the start of a new school year, even when you’re not in school. Or maybe that’s just me…). The winds of change have rustled up some things in me and I’m ready to make some moves and let some things go.

Vague-blogging much? Yeah, I guess, kinda. Sorry for that. Eventually I’ll spill all (because I know myself), but for now I’m keeping it close. The road to your best life can be scary and full of challenges, and there are things that I’m finally ready to face head on and wade through to get to the other side. Seems to be going around, a lot of my circle is feeling some kind of restlessness with the status quo and trying to figure out how to get what they really want, so I’m in good company.

No need for anyone to worry. Things are good and going to get even better.

Still stressed at work. Volume is crazy and we’re understaffed. What else is new? Help is on the way and we’re managing. Job security. I still like it even when it’s rough going. Running is still great. Getting to peak week for the Pittsburgh Marathon. I’m rejecting a full two-week taper, but am happy to have my last long-long run with friends this weekend. Frantically trying to finish my Continuing Education course before my rapidly approaching recertification deadline. I will get there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and soon I’ll be able to focus more on writing and other things during these early morning hours (and maybe I’ll even get to sleep in occasionally…hahaha).

Things are good and going to get even better.

Happy weekend, friends. Until next time.

Recovering

I’d forgotten what it was like to race distance. I spent last year chasing speed and racing a lot, I was often sore, but it would fade pretty quickly. So far during this training cycle, my recovery has been quick. Not this week.

Normally I’m tired and sore by the end of my long runs on Saturdays, but I’m good to go on Sundays with very little residual soreness. Well I definitely raced on Saturday, because I felt it on Sunday morning. Still, I ran.

Monday morning–oof! Between racing Saturday’s marathon, running on Sunday, and 5+ hours of travel after Sunday’s event…I was way more sore than I expected to be. Walking was a challenge. I took the elevator at work because 4 flights of stairs was just not an option. Anytime I had to get up from my desk–ouch! It was the most satisfying thing–I knew that I had not just run, but actually pushed myself and raced.

I felt a lot better on Tuesday, but I skipped my kettlebell class for yoga at home because I was still a little sore, and had a lot I needed to catch up on from the weekend. Tried to run a few easy miles on Wednesday and that was extremely slow going. I didn’t force it, though. My body needs to move, but this week is a cutback and meant for recovery. Did the stairs at the Cathedral with a friend last night, and back on schedule for class tonight, and runs this weekend. We’ll see how they go.

It’s really interesting to me how training for ultra distances has impacted me. I struggled with cutback weeks last year. They literally made me crazy. But the high volume has eased that. I love it, and I feel good, but my body is happy for the break when I get it. I don’t feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. It’s become easier for me to ease up on my training, or substitute something more gentle (or at least different). I’m listening to my body more instead of constantly trying to push, and I feel like it’s paying off.

Happy weekend, friends. More soon.

Anticipation

I’m SO excited for my marathon on Saturday. I haven’t felt excited like this for a race in a long time. I’m not a bundle of nerves, I’m actually fairly relaxed, I’m just excited. I’m not supposed to race this, it was just supposed to be a training run with a medal…but after the 24 miles last weekend, I need to see what I can really do. It could go horribly wrong, but I think it’s going to be amazing.

I’m really impressed with this race series so far–from polling participants about what animal should be featured on the shirts and medals, to taking your gels/snacks to whatever aid stations you need them at, from participant swag (medals, shirts, special shirts for BQs or double half/marathons, jackets for doing 2 races), generous course time limits (no cutoffs), and the option to start early…I hope that the races are as great as the buildup has been.

I’m in a really good place right now. Little stressed, but overall I’m feeling very confident. My emotional breakdown last weekend and a few subsequent happenings helped bring me some clarity about how I need to approach some things. I’ve accepted that I have to let go of some things that aren’t serving me and that is scary AF. Some things are newer realizations. Others are things I’ve been carrying for most of my life. Things I’ve tried to shake for a long time but haven’t quite been able to get rid of. It’s time.

More soon friends, I can’t wait to tell you about my weekend!

Keto Continues

So an update on this little experiment. I’m continuing with it. Honestly, I feel really good. Haven’t been as strict lately, putting a little “life into living” as they say, but here are some observations as I continue this journey:

I’m not hungry all the time. I’m doing some high volume training. Previously, even with lower volumes of training I was a bottomless pit. Hungry ALL the time. I definitely have moments where I’m ravenous, but it’s not like it was. It is possible for me to be sated for relatively long periods of time.

I don’t have a lot of cravings. Not saying I never crave carbs. I do sometimes. A couple weeks ago I would’ve cut someone for some pasta. So I had some. And then I was good and I didn’t want any more. But by and large–I don’t crave much. I like the things I’m eating. It’s not a struggle to avoid sugar/carbs. If I *really* want something, I have it. Going off for a meal here and there will not kill me, so I don’t stress about it, but I also don’t have the desire to go off plan very often. We’re a month out from Easter and I’ve not had a Reese’s egg or Cadbury mini-eggs (my favorites) because I haven’t wanted them enough to get them. *shrugs*

My recovery has been amazing. Will be interesting to test out when I’m racing as opposed to running for training, but I’m not nearly as sore as I have been in the past, even though the volume of my training has increased quite a bit. I can do my long run, or speedwork and be ready to run the next day. I can lift at kettlebell, and be fine running 2 days later (when my DOMS was always the worst). There’s a little soreness, I’m still challenging myself, but not like it was.

I’m less “crazy” about food than I’ve ever been. As someone with body image issues who is also into distance running and interested in health and fitness and all that good stuff–food has always been a big topic for me. Trying to balance wanting to lose weight with being constantly hungry was a major challenge for a long time. Counting macros really worked well for me, but at a certain point the math made me absolutely nuts–1/2 a serving of this, 2/3 serving of that…just to hit my numbers got old. This is so much easier on me mentally–which I never thought would be the case. I don’t have to figure out how to “make” it fit, I just acknowledge that it doesn’t and make the decision to either have it or not. Less math, less measuring–so much happier.

My athletic performance is improving. My runs have been pretty great lately. I’m holding decent paces on my long runs and pushing pace on my shorter runs feels really good. I can go longer without fueling, and I’m transitioning from the chews to F-Bomb macadamia nut butters when I do need a boost. So far, so good. It’s not like I’m intentionally pushing myself to go longer without fuel either, I just don’t feel the crash or the gnawing hunger like sensation I used to get. I got 11 miles into a long run before I thought “I should probably take something” a few weeks ago.

I also want to note that I’m doing a much more real-foods Keto approach than what is trendy now. I’m not using a lot of sugar substitutes or keto-friendly fake foods. If I’m going to go off plan, I’d rather have the real thing and be satisfied by it. No “low carb” pasta, I just either have pasta or I don’t. No “keto-friendly” desserts or treats–I just either eat the cake or I don’t. This feels much more sustainable (and wallet friendly) to me, and I think it’s part of why I’m actually satisfied when I eat–I’m not trying to trick myself, I’m just eating food. So far, I’m sold on this. It feels sustainable to me, especially in the way I’m approaching it.

That’s all I got for now friends, have a great weekend. More soon.

On being an athlete…

Okay. Hard post to write, but lots to process, so here goes…

I really, really struggle with seeing myself as an athlete. I was a fat kid and have struggled with my weight and body most of my life. Even since I fell in love with running it hasn’t been easy, in fact it has complicated it even more in some ways. I’ll have spells where I’m good with myself and don’t give it a second thought, but ultimately I still see myself as a fat girl. By and large I’m to a point where I can say that I don’t care and mean it–I’ll run around the city in my sports bra because I don’t really care what other people think. If they don’t like my body they don’t have to look. They certainly can’t say anything to me that I haven’t said to myself a hundred times already that day.

This is one of the beliefs that holds me back the most, and it’s not something I can ignore, try as I might. A hundred times in a hundred different ways I’m confronted with the dissonance between my self-perception and reality. I reach for sizes or order race shirts that are too big because I can’t get it through my thick skull that I’m not as big as I used to be. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a picture and am caught off guard because it doesn’t match my usual self-critique. I frequently comment to my BRF that anyone who doesn’t know me wouldn’t think by looking at me that I work out at all, let alone as much and as hard as I do. He of course rolls his eyes and tells me (gently, of course) that I’m an idiot and to get over myself.

It is this very thing that smacked a little bit of reality into me a week or so ago. We have some new hires at work, and management does a little introduction game early on so they get to know us. The ice-breaker this round was Truth and a Lie. We had to present a truth and a lie about ourselves and see if they could guess which was which, without knowing us at all. So, armed with the belief that I don’t “look” like a runner, I said I was training for a 50-miler and have 2 dogs, sure they’d call the 50-miler the lie. They did not. Three people who have never seen me before and met me only moments earlier believed out the gate that I’m training for a 50-mile race. What the what?

So I’ve been wrestling with this demon for the past couple of weeks, trying to get my head around the fact my self-perception is so messed up. I know this is one of the things that holds me back as an athlete. I write myself off all the time, if only in my head, as being ‘pretty good for a fat girl’ or ‘kinda fast for a fat girl.’ But here I am training to run these crazy stupid distances and the unbelievable thing is the distances and why anyone would do that in the first place, NOT that *I* am doing it.

I’m working harder on shifting my self-perception to athlete. If people I don’t know from Adam can believe I’m an athlete, why shouldn’t I? I can honestly say that my keto-experiment (which I also need to update you on, but that’s another post) is coming from a pure place of athletic experimentation and not just an attempt to lose weight. I am LOVING this training cycle. I guess I just need to put it out there and be real about the ongoing struggle. One step forwards, two steps back. The little dance called life.

More soon, friends.

Mind is racing

Another month done. 150 miles for February, highest mileage to date. It makes me so happy to have that monthly uptick. Three months in a row of 100+ mileage. I can’t wait to see my March mileage, it’s going to be sick…

Still short staffed at work. Working OT, making sure my crew hears me on the phones so they know I’m in the trenches too. Fingers crossed that the next round of new hires makes it through training and sticks with it. I’m cautiously optimistic. Random days off help a little, but I still have stuff I need to accomplish and I really miss that hour of my day. Always more to do. Trying hard to get and stay on my grind.

Toying with the idea of some other dreams and hustles, but now is not the time. An interesting message in today’s live for the moment culture. And it’s not about being ready–I may never be “ready”. And it’s not about “having time”–I may not ever “have” the time. But I can assure you, right now, I do not have the energy to make it happen, and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I can do all things, but I do not have to do them all at once. I’m going to keep my ideas churning and build some momentum for myself behind the scenes.

Looking forward to running this weekend. My first of many 20 milers on Saturday and some trail with my friends on Sunday. More soon, friends.

The Universe Knows…

I took yesterday off of work, I was supposed to take my CPR re-certification course as my personal training certification is up for renewal very soon and I need to get my credentials in order. Long story short–though I gave myself a more than reasonable amount of time to get to the city, park, and get to my class, parking in Pittsburgh is a pain and I ended up being too late to take the class. Womp Womp. Annoyed? Yes, but remarkably okay with it. I’d really been wanting/needing a mental health day that I’m far to stubborn to take, and I ended up getting it. I got some stuff done around the house, made some progress on my continuing ed course, and just got a nice mental break. Went for a run with my friends (though I would’ve done that if I’d gone to work). I’d slept in a little, had a good breakfast, I thought I had somewhere to go so I was dressed and out of the house, got a nice 2 mile walk in trying to make the class and heading back to my car, got some errands run…it was just a really good low key day.

Am I annoyed that I have to reschedule the course? Of course, its money wasted and another day off of work (because Saturdays are just not an option right now). It’s one more thing to do that I can’t cross off the list yet. But I also really needed yesterday. More than I probably realized at the time. I have time–even if my CPR cert lapses, you have to take the full course every time so I’ll be certified before I need to turn it in. It’s fine.

That run last night. Best. Thursday. Run. In. Weeks. I usually struggle on Thursday nights. My coach calls it my mental run–I’m tired, I don’t really want to do it, but I always do. I’m usually slow, struggling, by myself. Last night I had the chance to run with my friends and it was AWESOME. I pushed pace in a way that I seldom do alone. I felt really good. I had fun.

Looking forward to the weekend. Running. Some social events. Trying hard to balance this life out and enjoy it. More soon, friends…

Tired

The feeling of the week is tired. We’re behind at work, so that means OT. We can use the money, but I do have hard limits–I can’t start earlier due to both their timing restrictions and the nature of my job, and I won’t stay late because that’s when I work out and my training is too important to me. So I work through my lunch break. Damn I never realized how much I need that time away from my desk to re-charge. I’ve been skipping it for that precious OT–not just because we could use the money (my racing habit and new house are not cheap) but also because I want to help out, I’m in management and if I want others to pony up then I feel like I should be doing it too. It’s starting to take its toll on me. I rearranged my weekend runs so I could take the Saturday shift they are offering (again, good showing for management to be there, even though one of my leads is able to come in) and I know that I’m seldom able to come if offered in the future because of races and whatnot. Mentally, though, I’m drained. Hopefully this weekend (and the bank holiday on Monday) will go a long way towards getting us caught up and giving me a reprieve.

I’m not whining or complaining. I’m not playing the martyr. I’m making a conscious decision to work the OT. I could say no. I could take my lunch break (and pretty soon, I probably will). I’m choosing it because the extra income would be nice right now and we don’t have OT offered all that often. Just like I make the conscious decision to train hard, and I make the conscious decision to get up early to write and study. I own that these are my choices and in effect, I’m doing this all to myself. I just need to find some way to recharge. I’m thankful for my workouts because they’ve taken care of the stress element–I’m VERY glad to go run or throw around kettlebells after my shift. I’m also very glad that I’m coming up on a cutback week (what? did *I* just say that?) because I think a little bit of rest will be good for my body (even though I feel good and it’s going well).

I’m hanging in there. I’m tired, but I’m hanging in. All things are temporary, I’ll get through this. I get a little extra sleep tomorrow morning, I get to run with friends on Sunday (thank goodness, I *really* didn’t want to do all 18 miles alone). It will all work out. Staying the course for now and taking the small victories and moments where I can. Thanks for listening to my rambles.

More soon friends. Happy weekend.

Feelings Friday

It’s been a very rough week. There is a lot going on in my world–though not to me personally. Things that aren’t my stories to share, so I won’t, but it’s bordering on too much as it compounds all at once. I’m okay, though, I’m hanging on, and hoping the weekend will bring some resolution.

Workout game is strong–I’ve needed the release. Last night I ran in the rain. I wanted to. I looked forward to it even. It wasn’t as cleansing as I’d hoped, I didn’t come out of it feeling clean and renewed with my worries washed away. I came out of it feeling strong. It was dark (I got a later start than I’d wanted/planned), I’m lit up with my headlamp and noxgear vest. And I have the streets/sidewalks basically to myself. I know the passing cars think I’m crazy for being out, I got splashed a few times, the wind pelted me as I ran across the bridge–but I kept going. I didn’t stop. Nothing could take me down. It was warm enough that the rain felt good and I was in a remarkably good place while I was out there. I needed that.

My anxiety is messing with me some–I care too much. I internalize things. Its how I’m wired. And while I work to control how I respond to things, I honestly wouldn’t change the fact that I feel deeply. I would rather learn to deal with the negative feelings because it means that I also get to experience the good things. I would rather give until it hurts than pretend I don’t care at all. Tough times are temporary, I’m holding out hope that things will get worked out how they are supposed to. All I can do is my best, battle the anxiety with facts (because it is spinning some LIES right now), and manage my self-care so I have something to give to the people who need me.

Sorry for the rambles. It’s what I got today. More soon, friends.