Falling Apart.
I’ve been MIA for awhile now. Things are kind of falling apart in my life. It’s not the end of the world, but I have definitely gone into survivial mode. Right now that’s all I’m doing—surviving.
I’m losing my job that I loved. It’s complicated. There was a nasty divorce between the Executive Director and the director of our summer camp program. She bought out his share of the property our programs rented. She resigned from camp and is declining to rent the space to us again. Fair enough. I don’t hold those decisions against her. She wants and needs to be away from her ex-husband, and I totally get and respect that. But camp is our money making program—it made everything else work. This was our ED’s last straw. He won’t renew his contract next year. The board doesn’t want to compete with the summer camp director’s next endeavor (her own camp on the property we used to use). We’re throwing in the towel. I went from elation about a new program we were thisclose to launching to looking for a new job in the span of two weeks. And I’m still employed, technically. We’re not officially closing up shop until the end of the year. But my job isn’t really my job anymore. I’m doing all of the things I don’t love without any of the things that I do. I’m working from home, which sucks more than I expected. The worst part for me is that I saw every bit of this coming and I told my boss that—for months. For months I suggested that we be proactive because I knew this was going to happen. For months it was ignored. And now we’re closing. And I don’t want to be angry with him because I like him and respect him too much—but I have to be angry with him because there is no one else to be angry at. He gave up months before she resigned if you look at the situation—his refusal to be proactive and to trust my instincts (instincts he knows he can trust because I’m usually right) is ultimately what jeopardized our organization.
My second job, which I like if not love, was at a retail store that was greatly impacted by the flooding of Hurricane Irene. Our plaza was under four and a half feet of water. Needless to say we haven’t been open. We were officially laid off about a week after the storm. They planned to reopen and rehire us as soon as possible, but at that point they didn’t know when that would be. This happened about two weeks after everything with my first job.
My running has fallen apart too. My second half marathon was cancelled due to Irene, so there’s that. Even though I know the value of running as a coping mechanism for me, I also know my patterns. When the going gets tough, the first thing that goes is taking care of myself. And maybe this was the outward manifestation of what I’ve been feeling inside—a little lost, a little helpless, a little like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed all day. I’m surviving, functioning, but not thriving. A very mild, low-grade depression. I put on a good front for others, but ultimately that means I’m not dealing with anything. And it’s time to deal with things, because it isn’t all bad, and it won’t get better if I don’t start moving on.
Good Things
…I got a kick-ass letter of recommendation from my boss. Wonderful, glowing, made me feel really good. I take it out and read it when I need a boost.
…I’m taking a grant-writing course that I love. My career was headed towards development, and I definitely think that’s the right way for me to go.
…I’ve applied for a couple development positions and I’ve had one preliminary phone interview for one of them. I should hear about a face-to-face interview by the end of this week. Fingers are crossed because I’d really like this job.
…our store is set to reopen by November 1st. Most of us will be starting back next week to help put the store back together, and that’s awesome. I can’t wait to rebuild our store.
…I’ve been able to bond with some of my store co-workers through our lay-off. It’s mostly superficial, I haven’t really talked to anyone about the deeper stuff (despite my psych degree I tend to just quietly implode), but I feel like it’s all building towards something.
…having weekends free has allowed me to spend more time with The Boy, and we’ve had some really quality conversations about our future.
…I signed up for the Cleveland Half Marathon next May, and two of my favorite runner buddies signed up too, so I’m looking forward to a weekend at home with people I don’t get to see very often.
Time to focus on the positive, commit to myself, and move forward with my life.
Also, if I get the job I want I’m totally going to order this: http://jillianmichaels.shop.sportstoday.com/content/mlp/1799/360WLN/default.html?src=WAFTJMA0027
I know a friend who has one (not the Jillian specific one, but one from this company) and swears by it. I love toys. And the fact it tracks your sleep and all too, that’s really cool because I’m a horrible sleeper.
Fact: When people ask how old I am, I don’t say 29, I say I’ll be 30 in February. I’m looking forward to 30. The image of me in my head is 30, and has been for years. I feel like I’m catching up to myself, and that 30 is going to be an amazing year.