Focus…

I’ve been struggling this week, hard core. Last month I decided to change things up in my routine to take my training and running to the next level. I started doing Insanity. I’ve never been a big home-workout fan. The last time I did a DVD-style home workout religiously was when I did the original Tae Bo VHS tapes in college. That was also the last time I can say I *liked* a trainer on a DVD series (I can’t stand Billy Blanks in his newer stuff, he got really annoying once people knew who he was). Before that it was Richard Simmons and Mary Lou Retton on VHS tapes from my childhood. But recently? Can’t stand DVD trainers. Even the ones I like under other circumstances, I downright loathe when I’m working out with them. I’ll swear at them, half-ass the workout (because I’m by myself so there’s zero accountability), look at them like they’re crazy and refuse to even try some of the moves. So you can see why committing to something like Insanity was a stretch for me. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go. I was extremely skeptical, but I’ve heard a lot of good things about this particular program, and I’ve been intimidated by it forever (did you know it’s labeled as Advanced?) so I decided to take the plunge.

I love it. I actually LOVE it. Shaun T not only doesn’t annoy me, but I like him. I haven’t yet encountered a move I can’t at least sort of do (might happen in the second phase, but so far so good). I push myself–some days more than others, but such is life–and I legit like the workouts. So overall, I’m happy with my decision to do it.

So why the struggle? Because I’m nearly 4 weeks in and I’m not seeing the physical changes I wanted and expected. I’m tracking my food. I’m working out twice a day most days of the week. The scale isn’t budging and I see no changes in the mirror. Overtraining? Perhaps, but I feel largely energized by my workouts on the whole. I’m enjoying them. I took it a little easier this week because I was feeling a little run down, but I *missed* the workouts I cut. My body feels good and not tired, run of the mill soreness fades quickly–I’ve been pounding BCAAs but I’ve not needed Ibuprofen or anything more than once or twice in the past month. Food’s been pretty good as well. Mostly protein and fats, moderate carbs. I try to balance my calorie intake against my activity so I’m running a deficit but not too much. There are definitely things I can tweak, but I should be seeing some kind of progress. I’m working my ass off but yet it’s still firmly intact.

I broke down earlier this week. What’s the point? I’m doing all of this and it feels like it’s for nothing and I’m getting nowhere. I had a full out meltdown and pity party the other day. But I did my workout. Pouted some more. And went to bed. Sleep really is the human reset button, because when I woke up my perspective had shifted. I’m looking at this all wrong. Yes, I want to get back to my racing weight, but ultimately my performance goals matter more than that. I’m showing marked improvement on the FitTest that is part of the Insanity program. My running is still improving. I feel good, I feel tighter and leaner and stronger–even if I don’t see it. I need to focus on the process and just keep pushing forward. Results will come if I keep doing the right things. And ultimately I like the process. I *like* working out and pushing myself physically. It’s never for nothing, even if the results I get are not what I expect.

Looking forward to seeing how this plays out in my race tomorrow.

Keep pressing forward, friends.