Things I need to do to get my shit together…

(in no particular order)

  • get my pre-Christmas and post-Christmas training plans in order and write them in my planner AND on the calendar on the door.
  • get wall calendar for 2012. 
  • find more races for 2012.
  • rock the hell out of the job interview I have tomorrow morning. 🙂
  • clean the crap out of my life–physical junk, facebook friends list, etc.
  • make my Christmas shopping list and make a plan.
  • make plans for the grant-writing contract work I’m planning to start.
  • review finances and make a plans.
  • eat properly & move.
  • make a point to get dressed AND leave the house every day. (No I haven’t done those things every day. Hello #SymptomsOfDepression)
  • get back on a schedule, even if I don’t have obligations that require it.

Good start.

Putting the pieces back together…

Falling Apart.

 I’ve been MIA for awhile now. Things are kind of falling apart in my life. It’s not the end of the world, but I have definitely gone into survivial mode. Right now that’s all I’m doing—surviving.

I’m losing my job that I loved. It’s complicated. There was a nasty divorce between the Executive Director and the director of our summer camp program. She bought out his share of the property our programs rented. She resigned from camp and is declining to rent the space to us again. Fair enough. I don’t hold those decisions against her. She wants and needs to be away from her ex-husband, and I totally get and respect that. But camp is our money making program—it made everything else work. This was our ED’s last straw. He won’t renew his contract next year. The board doesn’t want to compete with the summer camp director’s next endeavor (her own camp on the property we used to use). We’re throwing in the towel. I went from elation about a new program we were thisclose to launching to looking for a new job in the span of two weeks. And I’m still employed, technically. We’re not officially closing up shop until the end of the year. But my job isn’t really my job anymore. I’m doing all of the things I don’t love without any of the things that I do. I’m working from home, which sucks more than I expected. The worst part for me is that I saw every bit of this coming and I told my boss that—for months. For months I suggested that we be proactive because I knew this was going to happen. For months it was ignored. And now we’re closing. And I don’t want to be angry with him because I like him and respect him too much—but I have to be angry with him because there is no one else to be angry at. He gave up months before she resigned if you look at the situation—his refusal to be proactive and to trust my instincts (instincts he knows he can trust because I’m usually right) is ultimately what jeopardized our organization.

My second job, which I like if not love, was at a retail store that was greatly impacted by the flooding of Hurricane Irene. Our plaza was under four and a half feet of water. Needless to say we haven’t been open. We were officially laid off about a week after the storm. They planned to reopen and rehire us as soon as possible, but at that point they didn’t know when that would be. This happened about two weeks after everything with my first job.

My running has fallen apart too. My second half marathon was cancelled due to Irene, so there’s that. Even though I know the value of running as a coping mechanism for me, I also know my patterns. When the going gets tough, the first thing that goes is taking care of myself. And maybe this was the outward manifestation of what I’ve been feeling inside—a little lost, a little helpless, a little like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed all day. I’m surviving, functioning, but not thriving. A very mild, low-grade depression. I put on a good front for others, but ultimately that means I’m not dealing with anything. And it’s time to deal with things, because it isn’t all bad, and it won’t get better if I don’t start moving on.

 Good Things

…I got a kick-ass letter of recommendation from my boss. Wonderful, glowing, made me feel really good. I take it out and read it when I need a boost.

…I’m taking a grant-writing course that I love. My career was headed towards development, and I definitely think that’s the right way for me to go.

…I’ve applied for a couple development positions and I’ve had one preliminary phone interview for one of them. I should hear about a face-to-face interview by the end of this week. Fingers are crossed because I’d really like this job.

…our store is set to reopen by November 1st. Most of us will be starting back next week to help put the store back together, and that’s awesome. I can’t wait to rebuild our store.

…I’ve been able to bond with some of my store co-workers through our lay-off. It’s mostly superficial, I haven’t really talked to anyone about the deeper stuff (despite my psych degree I tend to just quietly implode), but I feel like it’s all building towards something.

…having weekends free has allowed me to spend more time with The Boy, and we’ve had some really quality conversations about our future.

…I signed up for the Cleveland Half Marathon next May, and two of my favorite runner buddies signed up too, so I’m looking forward to a weekend at home with people I don’t get to see very often.

Time to focus on the positive, commit to myself, and move forward with my life.

Also, if I get the job I want I’m totally going to order this: http://jillianmichaels.shop.sportstoday.com/content/mlp/1799/360WLN/default.html?src=WAFTJMA0027

I know a friend who has one (not the Jillian specific one, but one from this company) and swears by it. I love toys. And the fact it tracks your sleep and all too, that’s really cool because I’m a horrible sleeper.

Fact: When people ask how old I am, I don’t say 29, I say I’ll be 30 in February. I’m looking forward to 30. The image of me in my head is 30, and has been for years. I feel like I’m catching up to myself, and that 30 is going to be an amazing year.

mmmmm….nomnomnomnomnom….

My zucchini orzo is soooooo good today.

And I’m realizing that I didn’t eat lunch with the commotion at work.

No wonder I’m hungry.

Have not been training much lately. This is bad since I have a half coming up in another month. *gulp* It’s okay. I’ve done one in the not-so-distant past so I know I can do the distance even if I don’t set any records. I’m not expecting to set any records as I’m doing this one in my Vibrams and I swear to goddess I’m slower in Vibrams than I am in regular shoes (though I love them more). 

I’ve been stressed at work lately, the load seems never ending and my boss is out of town so I’m shouldering it myself (I have no one to delegate to when he’s away). Just found out about a time-sensitive project this afternoon (that he really could’ve told me about sooner–he knew he didn’t finish before he left).  Though I think I realized I have one more day than I thought I did so I might not need to run back to the office tonight.

I wish it wasn’t pouring buckets. I need to run. I need to go lift heavy things and swing medicine balls around. I need to take some of this stress out in a physical way and hurt tomorrow as a result.

I also need to go to Staples. (Tangentially related as it is down the street from my gym.)

Mental health related:

I LOVE my job. Seriously. I have the best job and the best boss in the world. And I LOVE going to work each day. And when I’m not at this job? I am typically thinking about this job and how I can better myself and the organization. LOVE.

I’m not so much a workaholic…

…as I’m ridiculously dedicated. Seriously. I love my job. And when I love something, when I’m committed to something I can’t give less than 110%. I don’t know how. When I’m in, I’m all in. I don’t have an off-switch (as I frequently remind my boss). Spent a lot of the weekend obsessing over some work issues and emailing back and forth with my boss (who was putting in a TON of work on his end and not all prompted by my emails). There are some issues we have both been preoccupied with and we’re to the point there’s nothing else we can do, the ball is in someone else’s court, and we’ll take the appropriate steps once we get the ball back.

Worked both jobs today and it was awesome. I wouldn’t want to do this all the time, but it was a nice change of pace. Productive. And social plans for tomorrow. That involve a boat. And beer. Exciting.

Yup. That’s me, alright.

ISTJ – “Trustee”. Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population. Take Free Jung Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

And this? This is FRIGHTENINGLY accurate…

The Duty Fulfiller

As an ISTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

ISTJs are quiet and reserved individuals who are interested in security and peaceful living. They have a strongly-felt internal sense of duty, which lends them a serious air and the motivation to follow through on tasks. Organized and methodical in their approach, they can generally succeed at any task which they undertake.

ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are “good citizens” who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun – especially at family or work-related gatherings.

ISTJs tend to believe in laws and traditions, and expect the same from others. They’re not comfortable with breaking laws or going against the rules. If they are able to see a good reason for stepping outside of the established mode of doing things, the ISTJ will support that effort. However, ISTJs more often tend to believe that things should be done according to procedures and plans. If an ISTJ has not developed their Intuitive side sufficiently, they may become overly obsessed with structure, and insist on doing everything “by the book”.

The ISTJ is extremely dependable on following through with things which he or she has promised. For this reason, they sometimes get more and more work piled on them. Because the ISTJ has such a strong sense of duty, they may have a difficult time saying “no” when they are given more work than they can reasonably handle. For this reason, the ISTJ often works long hours, and may be unwittingly taken advantage of.

The ISTJ will work for long periods of time and put tremendous amounts of energy into doing any task which they see as important to fulfilling a goal. However, they will resist putting energy into things which don’t make sense to them, or for which they can’t see a practical application. They prefer to work alone, but work well in teams when the situation demands it. They like to be accountable for their actions, and enjoy being in positions of authority. The ISTJ has little use for theory or abstract thinking, unless the practical application is clear.

ISTJs have tremendous respect for facts. They hold a tremendous store of facts within themselves, which they have gathered through their Sensing preference. They may have difficulty understanding a theory or idea which is different from their own perspective. However, if they are shown the importance or relevance of the idea to someone who they respect or care about, the idea becomes a fact, which the ISTJ will internalize and support. Once the ISTJ supports a cause or idea, he or she will stop at no lengths to ensure that they are doing their duty of giving support where support is needed.

The ISTJ is not naturally in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. They may have difficulty picking up on emotional needs immediately, as they are presented. Being perfectionists themselves, they have a tendency to take other people’s efforts for granted, like they take their own efforts for granted. They need to remember to pat people on the back once in a while.

ISTJs are likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others. However, their strong sense of duty and the ability to see what needs to be done in any situation usually allows them to overcome their natural reservations, and they are usually quite supporting and caring individuals with the people that they love. Once the ISTJ realizes the emotional needs of those who are close to them, they put forth effort to meet those needs.

The ISTJ is extremely faithful and loyal. Traditional and family-minded, they will put forth great amounts of effort at making their homes and families running smoothly. They are responsible parents, taking their parenting roles seriously. They are usually good and generous providers to their families. They care deeply about those close to them, although they usually are not comfortable with expressing their love. The ISTJ is likely to express their affection through actions, rather than through words.

ISTJs have an excellent ability to take any task and define it, organize it, plan it, and implement it through to completion. They are very hard workers, who do not allow obstacles to get in the way of performing their duties. They do not usually give themselves enough credit for their achievements, seeing their accomplishments simply as the natural fulfillment of their obligations.

ISTJs usually have a great sense of space and function, and artistic appreciation. Their homes are likely to be tastefully furnished and immaculately maintained. They are acutely aware of their senses, and want to be in surroundings which fit their need for structure, order, and beauty.

Under stress, ISTJs may fall into “catastrophe mode”, where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom.

In general, the ISTJ has a tremendous amount of potential. Capable, logical, reasonable, and effective individuals with a deeply driven desire to promote security and peaceful living, the ISTJ has what it takes to be highly effective at achieving their chosen goals – whatever they may be.

Sunday Funday

  • 8 miles
  • breakfast/shower/etc
  • church
  • service project
  • youth project
  • Rev. Bruce’s farewell party
  • home to brace myself for another work week…

Just made two batches of Rice Krispie treats for youth group tomorrow and only ate 3 marshmallows. Win.

I didn’t sleep well last night. My muscles ached from yesterday’s circuits. I didn’t run this morning, thinking ‘I’ll just do it Friday, I have to go to the gym to do circuits anyway, I’ll just run there and back.’

Then I went to work, and my day kind of fell apart. I was feeling really, really anxious. So I sent my boss a note saying I was checking out early (though I barely left early) and came home to change. Went for a trail run down in the Quechee Gorge. Short and sweet, but I’m SOOOO glad I went because I feel so much better for having gone.

Lesson learned? Don’t skip your morning workouts. They keep you from going crazy.