Author: mrsartis

Let’s recap April’s goals, shall we…

• Lose 5 pounds. FAIL. I’m still flirting with the 130s, but bouncing between 138 and 143. 😐
• April “RUN YOUR ASS OFF” Challenge. FAIL. Nope. Started okay, but this so didn’t happen.
• Register for my last June race AND my full marathon.
  Half pass. I registered for my marathon, but not for my last June race. I will do that soon.
• Work on my core strength. FAIL.
• Do another 15 mile run. I planned to. And I attempted, but my hips were starting to hurt and I didn’t want to risk injury the week before a race. Half pass because the intent was there and it took some hella convincing to talk me out of doing it.
• CROSS TRAINING. FAIL.

Overall, April = FAIL. But May will be different.

MAY GOALS

• Lose 5 pounds. I saw 141 this morning. I WILL see 136 or less by the end of the month. I know scale weight isn’t everything, but this isn’t unrealistic. I do still have fat to lose, I just need to be disciplined about it and stop eating all the things.
• Stick with stretches and squats routine. I like it when my hips work properly and without pain. This seems to be helping. Keep doing it.
• Register for last June race.
• Finish getting car taken care of. Still need a little work done to pass inspection. Get that shit scheduled and taken care of.
• CROSS TRAINING. I’ve found a somewhat insane challenge and added to it. I’m gonna give it a go and see if doing something everyday gets me into a better routine.

WORD VOMIT

(I think it should be telling that I keep typing “work” instead of “word”…and yes, I just did it again)

I have moments where I loathe my body, and moments where I love it. Moments where I think I’m fat and think what’s the point of putting myself out there because who in the world is going to be attracted to me, and moments where I recognize that I’m an athlete and a ROCKSTAR (because that must be typed in all caps) and think who *wouldn’t* want me. I thought about making this month No Weigh May, and ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) the scale, but quite frankly, I’m not there yet. The scale doesn’t determine my mood. That’s usually determined well before I step on the scale in the morning. But I’m not ready to not weigh myself yet. At some point I will have to have a no-weigh month so I can prove that I won’t balloon back to my starting weight if I don’t get on the scale every day. But I’m not there yet. Not mentally, not emotionally. It’s just where I’m at right now. I think I need to get to my goal, maintain for a month or so and then try it.

TL; DR: April = FAIL, May will be full of WIN, still insecure but working on it.

I don’t even have normal chocolate cravings anymore. I go into the store and head straight for the protein bars. For the record, I like Aldi’s knock-off Balance Bar better than the real things.

Intense self-loathing today. I know it’s just hormonal, but I’m on the edge. I want to eat all of the things. And hide in my bed with the cat. Make the world go away.

Yesterday, a mere 2 hours before the explosions went off, I posted to FB about how seeing all the Boston updates made me excited for my own marathon venture this fall. Then the news broke. I saw it flash on my phone and frantically sought more information. I spent the last two hours of my workday refreshing Google to see if there was anything new, any more information, something, anything that would make sense out of this terrible act.

And then I did the only thing I could do. I laced up my shoes. I’d been debating all day about running after work. I felt good after Sunday’s long run but wasn’t sure if I wanted to push my luck. In an instant I had no choice. I’m a runner. That’s how I cope. That’s how I deal. That’s how I make sense of the world. So I changed my clothes, tied my shoes, and went for a run. 3.4 miles later, I got back in my car. Cleansed. The sick feeling had gone. I drove home. Checked FB on my phone. And then the tears I’d been holding back all afternoon came. And I let them. I sat in my car and sobbed, because the world just didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t.

Am I still going to run the Pittsburgh Half in a couple weeks? Hell yeah! Am I still going to train for and run my first marathon this fall? Abso-friggin-loutely. I’m a runner, damnit. You can’t stop me. Life is short, and life is precious. It could end at any time. I could get hit by a car running on the street. Anything could happen. I’m not going to be afraid. I’m going to run. It’s what I do. It’s how I cope, how I deal, how I relate to the world.

Had a great 10.78 mile run today. I was planning 10-12. I felt really good and starting thinking I might push 12-13…but realized part of what felt so good was that I was running downhill, and that the farther I went down the more up was going to suck on the way back, so I cut my losses and came in shy of 11.

I’ve devoted this afternoon to a nap, food, and plotting out my marathon training once and for all (ha ha). I’m not going with a conventional first timers plan. (1) I have too many races scheduled to work into something pre-prescribed. (2) My long runs are already 10-15 miles. I don’t need to build up from nothing the way most first time plans assume. (3) I want to get as close to 26 miles before the race as I can. The way I’ve plotted takes me up to 25…but I know at some point I’m probably going to squeeze that extra mile in and get in 26 before the day. It took me a LOT of research to find a plan that got you to 26 before the day. Research that was moot given that I had to make my own to fit around my race schedule, but that’s besides the point.

I know that my training plan is going to change. I know that things will come up (I still need to squeeze another 5k race in there as my buddy has promised to help me PR and the one we’re already running has a crappy timing system so I’m not going to count on it as a PR race).

Still struggling with my weight, though. Bouncing around the same 3-4 pounds. I keep flirting with the 130s. It’s frustrating. But I know my eating hasn’t been perfect, so I need to get a handle on that. There’s another post coming about weight and body stuff, but I’m still working on it.

I hate when a day where I feel skinny is wasted in the office. *sigh*

I was looking forward to my run. Really looking forward to my run. Like I started looking forward to it last night when I was packing my bag, before I went to bed. I woke up this morning in a fit of low self-esteem, but still couldn’t wait for my run. Then I ran, and it should’ve been great. But it sucked. Here are some facts from the run, and how I talked myself out of being super pissy about how it went.

(1) I wore shorts! This is a milestone for me. I mean, I’ve worn shorts to run before, but not like loose fitting running shorts. Usually knee length compression shorts. Covered with a skirt. With socks that come up over my calves. In other words, I might as well have been wearing capris or full on pants because I was completely covered. Today I lubed up with some Body Glide, and donned my shorts from Just A Short Run a few weeks back. Definitely glad I remembered the Body Glide, but also glad I braved the shorts. No negative comments from the peanut gallery. So despite the fact I was having a fat day on top of my usual disdain for my thighs, I did not in fact scare any small children, and I must not look as bad as I’ve feared.

(2) I was dehydrated. I did not drink water at work like I should have today. I didn’t drink much of anything this afternoon. And it was beautiful out. And I felt dry, early. That sucked. Need to drink more water. Need to bring a small bottle to take with me on these short runs.

(3) I ate crap for lunch. One of the girls in the office ordered pizza for a few of us that take special care of her. And I definitely partook. More than I should’ve. And on my run I remembered why I don’t eat that way anymore. I know that played a role in how sluggish I felt. 

(4) My splits were all over the place. You can see where I was struggling with stitches (which were not Great Race bad, but I just couldn’t seem to push through them, ugh), the points I encountered other runners (because I can’t walk past a fellow runner). No consistency. Overall I was faster than I felt, but I was all over the place and it didn’t feel good.

(5) My head was not in the game. A mile in I felt lousy about the run. A mile and a half in I debated cutting it back to the original 5k that I’d planned. Then I told myself to suck it up, I was going to push through the full 10k whether I wanted to or not. Because in the course of marathon, and eventually 50-mile training I’m going to have times I don’t feel like it and I’m going to have to do it anyway. 

In the end I felt lousy. I was irritated with myself. But I had a couple of thoughts that put things in perspective:

–recurring thoughts of ‘fat and slow’. This run was not the epitome of ‘fat and slow’. That was my performance last year at the Cleveland Half Marathon. This was not my best, but it wasn’t that bad.

–I felt shitty about my 1:17:05 finish. I kept thinking no one would believe I just did a 2:32 half marathon a couple weeks ago. Then I did the math and realized 10k is roughly half a half marathon, and 1:16 would be about my 10k time for that PR race…so I have nothing to be upset about. Average pace was a little slower than my race pace–but that’s okay. I wasn’t racing.

So lessons: shorts are good, Body Glide is better, drink some effing water, don’t binge on crap, suck it up and just RUN.

Ugh. Woke up feeling fat and ugly today. I know neither is true, but the mirror is not my friend today. Everything just looks wrong. Tried to be somewhat cute, presentable at least, even though I feel lousy about myself. Can’t wait to get out of work and go run.

Look out world…I’m wearing shorts on my run tomorrow!

No, Brightroom. I will NOT pay for those awful disgusting pics of myself from the Rite Aid Cleveland Half Marathon last year. Seriously? I have my own pics. And I will not pay for bad pictures of myself. Thanks.

I might, however, be willing to consider paying you to destroy them. Because seriously, I looked awful. Ugh.