Month: June 2016

Thoughts from the journey so far…

It’s been almost a week since the conversation with my buddy, and here are some things I’ve noticed in the time since my fire has been reignited…

  • Writing is easier. I was struggling with what to write about and the direction to take my blog, but now it’s clear–what do I write about if not running? Lots of things, I guess, but for me running is the catalyst.
  • I’m struggling a little with fueling my workouts. I had an awful time yesterday in kettlebell class and I know it’s because I crashed. I’m still trying to navigate what I need to eat when and how to make it work with my schedule. But I’ll figure it out. Just takes some more planning (and macro math).
  • My love of running returned overnight. Just like that, I’ve been looking forward to it, craving it. Even though the actual runs kind of suck (which I totally expected and accept for what it is) I still can’t wait to get back out there.

I need a more structured game plan (for after I finish the 10,000 swing challenge that is),  so I’m going to look towards my fall races and figure out a solid training plan for the 10-miler. A concrete goal and plan will get me there faster than willy-nilly training. And it’s exciting. It’s exciting to think about all of it and to want to do it instead of it feeling like a chore.

I’m on my way back.

Wake Up Call…

I’ve been holding back, on here, in life, I haven’t quite been myself. It’s taken me awhile to realize it, and to realize that it’s my problem. I’ve lacked direction, I’ve gained weight, I just don’t feel like myself. For the most part I’m happy, positive, cheerful. I give the face of being driven and motivated but underneath I haven’t felt that. I struggle to do things that I know need to be done. I’ve made excuses for things without realizing I was making excuses.

I had a conversation with a friend at the end of last week when I’d slipped into a darker place, and he put things in perspective and snapped me back to reality. It was a kick in the ass that I needed much more than I realized. He called me out on my excuses.

I am not myself. I haven’t been running, at least not much. Not enough. My body isn’t where I want it to be and it doesn’t feel like mine. I felt most like myself when I was running most days of the week. I look at pictures from that phase of my life and that’s me. That’s what I look like, that’s what I feel like. And I miss me. A lot. Running has sucked for me for the past couple of years. I developed IT issues after my second marathon and I haven’t been the same since, and that became an excuse. And then we moved in together and got married and I’ve used that as an excuse. And my job situation sucked for awhile and that became an excuse.

And the conversation with my friend made me wake up and own up to all the excuses I was making, and made me realize that I need to shut up and run. It’s the piece that’s been missing. Ever since I was younger, long before I started running, I’ve envisioned myself as a runner, and that’s still how I see myself in my head. I know what it feels like to be that, and I want it back. And I want it back badly enough to do whatever it takes to get back there. If I can’t manage the IT issues on my own, I’ll go to PT and get help for it. Yeah it sucks and it’s slow going right now–I’m heavier than I should be and out of shape–but that’s not going to change unless I get off my ass and change it. I used to deal with my feelings by running, and that has gradually shifted to using food to deal with them–that has to change back. Now that I’m aware that’s what I’ve been doing I can change it.

The past few days since this conversation and the subsequent realizations have been so different for me. I ran both days. For the first time in ages I wanted to. And I packed my bag to potentially run after work (weather depending). I’ve had fleeting thoughts about missing time with my husband, but the fact of the matter is that girl–the one who ran all the time–is the one he fell in love with in the first place. And I’m missing some of my spark. If running more is what it takes to get it back, he’ll be supportive.

So this journey is finding my way back to myself. As I do that I think the other things I’ve been struggling over will fall back into place.

New Week…

This past weekend was not everything that I planned for it to be, but it was good. Restorative. I feel like myself again, even without a clearly defined plan of action. That still needs to happen, I still need to lay out some kind of ultimate plan and direction for where this whole thing is headed, but step one is me focusing on myself. So that’s a good start.

Last week was crazy with my new job. But I really like it. I’m definitely still learning, but I’m getting there. The days pass quickly, too quickly sometimes, but I’m enjoying the hard and constant work. I know that as I get better at it things won’t take me as long and that will be great.

Running is still hard for me right now, physically speaking, but I miss it and I want to get back to it. Which means I simply need to make it a part of the schedule to get out there. I’m also resuming monthly challenges, starting with the 10,000 kettlebell swing challenge. I haven’t been as physical lately and I miss it. I need it. So I’m bringing that back.

And I’m finding that I’m getting into this whole planner community thing. I’m an Erin Condren devotee, and I’m getting into decorating and designing them as a means of creative release. I don’t go as hog wild as a lot of people–I can’t see spending upwards of $60 on a planner, then way more on stickers to cover the whole thing up, but I’m liking using some stickers to enhance and denote things, and I’m loving using little mini stamps and washi tape. I got some good deals on a bunch of supplies this weekend, so I think I’m set for awhile. I post my weekly spreads on Instagram, so follow me there if you’re interested in seeing my creations–they’re getting more interesting each week, though I’m definitely what I call a ‘practical planner’–I use my planner for planning so the icons and decorations are functional and have a purpose beyond being cute.

Little things, baby steps, progress. All heading in the right direction.

Out of Sorts…

I’m a little out of sorts at the moment. I’m scattered. All over the place. Nothing to explain why, I’m just having trouble getting and keeping it all together right now. The new position is good. I’m technically supposed to launch and be on my own as of today, but I started taking more of the responsibilities on at the end of last week to help when we were short handed and it seems to be going well. Outside of work, however, I’m having trouble focusing and maintaining forward momentum. Some of it is that I’m still not clear on what my plan is, and I need to spend some quality time with myself to figure some things out. My husband is on days this upcoming weekend, and while I have a few plans I should be able to carve out some much needed quiet time to figure myself out. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, between the promotion and training, our trip to visit my folks and best friend, the subsequent catch up from that, the holiday weekend, etc.

I recently read Living Forward by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy, which is a book about life-planning and goal-setting. I’m at the point where I’m really ready to sit down and hammer some stuff out. Probably not in exactly the way they intended, but I’m ready to get some focus and direction and figure out where my life needs to be headed. The brilliant part of their plan is that it requires and invites revision and updating so you aren’t stuck with something that may no longer fit your circumstances, but it is meant to keep you from drifting without purpose and to take concrete action towards your goals. And right now I desperately need that direction and a plan to follow, but I know it has to be self-guided.

Last week on the Jillian Michael’s Podcast (which I admittedly have a love-hate relationship with), one segment hit the nail on the head–sometimes you just have to take the chance and put yourself out there. And I think that’s where I’m at. I’m definitely at some kind of crossroads in my life, I’m just not sure what it is yet. I’ll keep you posted…