Having a rough time. This tends to happen to me when I’m losing weight–I hit a point where people start noticing and I start noticing and that’s when I start to get self-conscious and negative about myself.
I’m not typically negative about or toward myself. I stopped that years ago–it isn’t helpful, it isn’t productive, so I stopped. I had enough of that self-hatred when I was a teenager. I’m done with that. I don’t insult myself as a general rule, not even in my head–I’ll stop any negativity because it just doesn’t help anything. But for the past few days–even as I’m running for an hour and a half, even as I’m having to ask for a smaller size at the dress shop, even as coworkers are telling me I look thinner–I can’t seem to stop the voices in my head saying ‘yeah right.’ I don’t verbalize it because I don’t like playing into that game with people, I try very hard not to take the bait when others start those conversations. But in my own head I’m responding ‘not enough’ when someone comments on my weight loss. I feel much more self-conscious now than I did when I was bigger. And it frustrates me because I’m better than this.
It’s like I wrote the other day about realizing and accepting that I am a runner. I’m still hesitant to talk about it with people who I know run, or people I know are athletes. I’m still scared of getting that look. Maybe it’s because I don’t see how much I’ve lost (except in small ways) but rather how far I have to go. And I don’t want to be that girl who doesn’t talk about anything but her weight, diet & exercise. Which is why I started this Tumblr…so I’d have a place to talk about it without boring the rest of the people in my life to tears.
The only thing I can do is continue on. Channel this negativity into my workouts and push myself harder. Track my points. I know it will pass, it usually does, and hopefully writing this helps with that.
Thanks for listening.
