Tired

The feeling of the week is tired. We’re behind at work, so that means OT. We can use the money, but I do have hard limits–I can’t start earlier due to both their timing restrictions and the nature of my job, and I won’t stay late because that’s when I work out and my training is too important to me. So I work through my lunch break. Damn I never realized how much I need that time away from my desk to re-charge. I’ve been skipping it for that precious OT–not just because we could use the money (my racing habit and new house are not cheap) but also because I want to help out, I’m in management and if I want others to pony up then I feel like I should be doing it too. It’s starting to take its toll on me. I rearranged my weekend runs so I could take the Saturday shift they are offering (again, good showing for management to be there, even though one of my leads is able to come in) and I know that I’m seldom able to come if offered in the future because of races and whatnot. Mentally, though, I’m drained. Hopefully this weekend (and the bank holiday on Monday) will go a long way towards getting us caught up and giving me a reprieve.

I’m not whining or complaining. I’m not playing the martyr. I’m making a conscious decision to work the OT. I could say no. I could take my lunch break (and pretty soon, I probably will). I’m choosing it because the extra income would be nice right now and we don’t have OT offered all that often. Just like I make the conscious decision to train hard, and I make the conscious decision to get up early to write and study. I own that these are my choices and in effect, I’m doing this all to myself. I just need to find some way to recharge. I’m thankful for my workouts because they’ve taken care of the stress element–I’m VERY glad to go run or throw around kettlebells after my shift. I’m also very glad that I’m coming up on a cutback week (what? did *I* just say that?) because I think a little bit of rest will be good for my body (even though I feel good and it’s going well).

I’m hanging in there. I’m tired, but I’m hanging in. All things are temporary, I’ll get through this. I get a little extra sleep tomorrow morning, I get to run with friends on Sunday (thank goodness, I *really* didn’t want to do all 18 miles alone). It will all work out. Staying the course for now and taking the small victories and moments where I can. Thanks for listening to my rambles.

More soon friends. Happy weekend.

Out of Sorts…

I’m a little out of sorts at the moment. I’m scattered. All over the place. Nothing to explain why, I’m just having trouble getting and keeping it all together right now. The new position is good. I’m technically supposed to launch and be on my own as of today, but I started taking more of the responsibilities on at the end of last week to help when we were short handed and it seems to be going well. Outside of work, however, I’m having trouble focusing and maintaining forward momentum. Some of it is that I’m still not clear on what my plan is, and I need to spend some quality time with myself to figure some things out. My husband is on days this upcoming weekend, and while I have a few plans I should be able to carve out some much needed quiet time to figure myself out. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, between the promotion and training, our trip to visit my folks and best friend, the subsequent catch up from that, the holiday weekend, etc.

I recently read Living Forward by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy, which is a book about life-planning and goal-setting. I’m at the point where I’m really ready to sit down and hammer some stuff out. Probably not in exactly the way they intended, but I’m ready to get some focus and direction and figure out where my life needs to be headed. The brilliant part of their plan is that it requires and invites revision and updating so you aren’t stuck with something that may no longer fit your circumstances, but it is meant to keep you from drifting without purpose and to take concrete action towards your goals. And right now I desperately need that direction and a plan to follow, but I know it has to be self-guided.

Last week on the Jillian Michael’s Podcast (which I admittedly have a love-hate relationship with), one segment hit the nail on the head–sometimes you just have to take the chance and put yourself out there. And I think that’s where I’m at. I’m definitely at some kind of crossroads in my life, I’m just not sure what it is yet. I’ll keep you posted…

On the job front…

I recently accepted a promotion at my job. I’ve only been there for about 6 months, but an opportunity arose and despite not being sure about it, I decided to go for it. Worst case scenario they say no and I  try again next time. I was legitimately okay with whatever the outcome. But they offered it to me, and I accepted, and yesterday I started my whirlwind two-week training before I’m sent off on my own.  I’m definitely still nervous about it, but I think I’ll be good at it too, so I’m going with it.

This has just made me ponder what I really want to do career-wise though. I miss non-profit work, but I know myself. When I was full boar into that it was a point when I didn’t want children, because I have no off switch if I’m dedicated to the organization and I knew in my heart I would not be able to juggle the two. Since meeting my husband I’ve decided that I do want a family, so I believe that is not the appropriate route for the time being.

Here’s what I do know: (1) When we have kids I want to be with them as much as possible during the early years especially, so the more flexible the job/schedule the happier I will be. (2) While possible for us to survive on one income, in order for us to have the kind of lifestyle we want I will need to have an income of some sort. (3) I know that I like working, and I want to work even if it is in a less formal setting.

What I’m doing right now is working…for now. But I’m still looking forward and trying to figure out my next steps and what the best path forward is. I’m staying open and exploring my options and ideas and working on action plans. I think the direction I’m headed is toward personal training (I already have a certification that I have not done much of anything with) and health coaching, but I’m having trouble finding a nutrition certification that jives with my personal approach and philosophy. So I’ll continue my research and see what comes of it.